


Flicker

by DemonsMuse



Series: Adventures in Blackouts and Friendship [2]
Category: The Blackout Club (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, Light Angst, Minor Swearing, Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-15 15:38:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19298686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonsMuse/pseuds/DemonsMuse
Summary: “Okay, Ara. Let’s think this through. What if he was right? What if... the Adversary was right? His way… isn’t going to get me what I want. But… what do I want?”Arabella is one of the most trusted, one of the closest to the inner sanctum of Speak-As-One and all they stand for. Her belief in them is one to be rivaled, and yet, when Thee-I-Dare speaks to her, her framework is shaken. While she still believes in what they stand for, everything she's done begins to crash down on her, leaving only intrusive thoughts and a mysterious Light of Rebellion in its wake.





	Flicker

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody! Just a note, Kyle is one of my friends on here and in-game, and is definitely not my kid. He's super cool and you should totally read his stuff too if you haven't! He's at Kylef890 here on AO3, so definitely check him out!  
> I hope you guys like my second TBC fic!

     Arabella fumbled over her thoughts, skimming through her notebook while the cold metal of the boxcar seeped through her clothes. The last time that TID had spoken to her, they weren’t exactly on good terms. She had insulted his follower, stolen him from the others, and proclaimed her distrust as tauntingly as possible. Yet, just last week? He was kind, honest, though disappointed. He questioned her motives, her wants, and desires, challenging them and forcing her to think.

So think she had.

     A weight fell across her shoulders, one she hadn’t felt in a long time. Reading over her words did nothing to help her identify it. There was something about it. Pain? Regret? Doubt? Doubt was dangerous. Ara pulled at her hair in agitated frustration.

     “ _Sure Ara, NOW is when you start thinking about this. After everything you’ve done, NOW you start thinking!_ ” Even the sound of crickets outside was too much for her. The chirping, the rush of wind, the soft snores of sleeping children around her; it would have been soothing any other night. Her friends… they were the ones who got her into this. Who made her think. Who made her _question_. Who made her _doubt_. Ara shook her head.

     “ _It’s just the Adversary getting back in your head like he does EVERY TIME he talks to you!_ ” She glanced back at the sleeping bags. Half were empty, but the other half gently protected her fellow club-mates. They were broken, bandaged, bruised. Fighting for the right to make their own choice, not have their world decided for them. An ache of guilt filled her heart as she turned away. She couldn’t look at them. They didn’t deserve this. “ _We just need to let them out, then everything will be fine!_ ”

     “ _... But we can’t._ ” Her stomach churned at the phrase. That would solve all their problems, but what would those who left say? What would they bring, no, send back to the town? A cult in the Radio Quiet Zone? That felt like something the government would be interested in. They never solved things peacefully. Ara nervously rubbed a petal of the stuffed bean Mew made for her. The felt tickled at first, as it should, providing a comfort she couldn’t ask him for. The world around her calmed for a moment… then burned. Ara let out a squeak, dropping the toy and letting it fall to her waist. Her eyes wouldn’t leave it. “ _He made that. He came up with them. That was his creation…_ ” She reached for it again, more cautiously, but nothing happened this time. Of course, nothing happened. Ara squinted down at the bean, then at herself in the mirror. The image was warped but had no issues showing the fatigue on her features. Dark circles, pale skin, a contorted visage...

     “ _Wait..!_ ” She leaped back in shock. The image of her own face, twisted and mangled with several eyes, mouths and noses stared back at her, every eye burning red. Bright red. Ara barely noticed her breath spinning out of control as she shuffled back, tears welling in her eyes. She wanted to look away, to purge the image from her mind, but it burned itself deep into her memory instead. Even closing her eyes brought her no respite. This was what she would become, right? This is what she wanted, right?   R i g h t? She couldn’t take it anymore. She concentrated all of her courage on just opening her eyes and confronting the horrors before her. She’d done it before, she could do it again. Just as forcefully as she shut them, she stared back at the mirror. All that remained was her own terrified face, shaking and crying at nothing.

     Ara wiped her eyes on her sleeve, swallowing hard. “Sleep. God, I need sleep.” With the hallucination identified, she glanced back at the others, hoping her outburst hadn’t woken them. They didn’t need to suffer because of her. They didn’t deserve to be woken up by her problems. Luckily, both remained asleep, only twitching lightly in their dreams. She smiled tiredly back at them in relief.

     Carefully, she propped herself up and crept out of the ritual room not wanting to bother them further, but as soon as she left she wished she stayed. Another mission group had just returned, making the main car busier than usual. An unwelcome event. She waved at the others with a haphazard smile before she climbed outside, walking around the back and off a little into the woods. She needed to be alone. She couldn’t think through this quietly, and if anyone heard her, the last bits of trust they had would wilt. Dirty looks and threats of sacrifice were already heading her direction just from the dream; anything else would secure her fate.

     The leaves crunched underfoot as she settled, smashing down some dirt to make a better place to sit. It wasn’t her usual place, but it would do for now. Ara knelt down, inspecting the ground for any stray twigs before actually sitting. The air was cool, faintly rustling the trees as the stars stared down at her. They glimmered peacefully, but couldn’t calm the storm within her mind. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

     “Okay, Ara. Let’s think this through. What if he was right? What if... the Adversary was right? His way… isn’t going to get me what I want. But… what _do_ I want?” She fell back with a sigh. “I want somewhere that I never have to worry again. Somewhere that everyone can be happy and live in peace. That we can all just… care for each other, know each other, never argue or fight… Somewhere I don’t have to be afraid of everything all the time. And that could be here! But… Not everyone here wants that. And we can’t let them leave because then they could ruin it…” Ara tossed a rock to the side. “But… we’re forcing people into this. We’re forcing them to listen to us, to follow us, to become us, and when they do they’re happy, but are they? Are they _really?_ ”

    “Are we doing the right thing?” A bitter laugh rose out of her. “ _Of fucking course not_ , people are fighting against it. We’re being kinda tyrannical and kind of selfish and… and… and people are _dying._ But… you have to do terrible things to bring everyone together, right?” Ara cracked open her eyes and stared at the stars, demanding an answer. A feeling. A buzz. Anything. But nothing came to her. Not even a stray thought. She closed her eyes in frustration. “Is it worth it? Is it worth seeing, no, causing so much suffering for the far off promise that it’ll all be gone someday? Is it worth it seeing all my friends fight this and just hoping that they actually come back? Is it worth knowing that deep down they probably all hate me..?”

     A deep, throbbing pain pulsed through her, not strong enough to debilitate, but enough to make her uncomfortable. It felt as if her blood was replaced with warm molasses. It oozed through her, weighing her down, trying to get her to collapse in on herself. Even her thoughts were in slow motion, passing through her mind and lingering, but unable to truly grip her focus. The wind slowed to a gentle breeze. The crickets’ chirping grew more and more distant. The rustle of grass faded into the darkness. All that remained was the gentle pulse of the stars, gazing down and passing their judgment through a thick layer of foamy cloud. At that moment, a crying laugh escaped her, echoing through the woods, almost hysterical. What was she even feeling? Was it real, or just another figment of her imagination? Another emotion that would just be gone as soon as she woke up? With everything going on around her, Arabella could barely tell what was real and what was her own defensive fabrication to keep her sane. Could she even be called “sane” anymore? The tears ran down her cheeks, tickling the sensitive skin until it burned under the assault.

     “But I can’t stop, right?” Her own voice felt distant. “There’s no way I could unravel myself from this, even if I wanted to. It wouldn’t change anything. I’d still hear voices, I’d still see other people’s memories, I’d still be barely able to sleep at night…” She coughed into the silence, lungs burning. “I think… I still want this peace. I still want our garden, and I want it with all my heart; Somewhere I’d never have to feel like this again. But how we’re getting there? What the hell? It’s so fucked up, even _I_ can tell! But I can’t stop. I’ve done it too long. It’s part of me now. The Club already thinks I’m a traitor. If I turned my back on the others… there’d be nowhere left to go.” Ara pulled herself back up, muscles aching, but that wasn’t anything new. “I hate lying to everyone. I hate spying on everyone. I may like Stalking but that’s only because... I don’t think about it too hard.”

     “I love my friends. I want them to be happy. I want them to thrive, to become who they really want. But they can’t do that here.” Arabella clenched her fist as tight as she could, trembling in anguished anger. “ ** _Why do I have to fight them!?_** ” It wasn’t loud, but it still echoed around her. She called, demanding answers that she already knew secondhand. The night mocked her with its silence, pulling more and more energy from her until she just couldn’t take it anymore. Apparently, Speak-As-One was too busy for her tonight.

     Her soul drained of life, Ara shakily stood up, brushing off her jeans and picking rocks out of her hands. The world felt like cardboard, fake and flimsy, ready to fall down around her at the slightest breeze. She stared back at the boxcar, then turned to walk home. She could always get her stuff the next day if no one had stolen it. She’d hardly taken a step before she felt a weight settle into her hand. A quick glance brought even more alarm. A Light of Rebellion. Confused, she clicked it a few times just to make sure it was real. She could barely feel the warmth through her apathy, but the fire refused to go out. The supernatural flame was met with a blank stare.

     “ _What do I do with this..?_ ” She closed it with a satisfying click and turned it in her hand, then stared back up at the stars. As always, there was no clear response. Ara knew she couldn’t expect it by now, but the silence was maddening. She glared down at the lighter, moving all blame to the tiny box. Grinding her teeth, she wound up to throw it at the nearest tree when something came over her. Warmth. Chill. A rushing wind. All the feelings she recognized as someone else. A spark of fear lingered, but not enough to dissuade her. Not this time. Clutching the lighter tightly again, she sighed with a tired determination. She knew she shouldn’t, but the call was too great. She needed something, anything, to reassure her she still had some choice if she needed it. Ara clambered back in the open boxcar door, the energy already fading and being replaced with anxiety. Most of the kids had left by now, leaving only the boxcar residents and a few stragglers remaining. The ritual room was in a similar state with only the sleeping Kyle lingering there. She bit her lip, not knowing if she should continue or not. “ _He’s the only one this would be safe around._ ” Nodding to herself, Arabella quietly closed the door behind her.

     The mirror felt more imposing than usual, as if staring her down, daring her to come within its frame. The lighter grew heavier in her hand, drawing her closer and closer until she stood directly before it, where she’d stood so many times before. The metal was cool in her hand, barely offset by the eternal flame’s heat. A perfect balance. A perfect order. Ara set the lighter carefully on the table, not fully knowing what would happen or if she would even be successful. She took a few steps back, feeling the weight of eight different fleeting eyes fall upon her. They were waiting for her. Listening, but not intently. Not yet. Arabella stared at herself for a while, silent. Her thin form stared back, unrelenting in its challenge. Fear draped itself over her shoulders, keeping her close and smothered within it. This was… treason at best and she knew it, but her heart begged for… anything. Ara took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and spoke.

     “... Thee-I-Dare..?” The name slipped from her lips and the weight lifted, leaving fewer eyes upon her. “I don’t know if this will even reach you, but here I go!” She swallowed hard, clutching her hands together as tight as she could. Anything to alleviate the fear. “I have a question for you… involving your makers. But I don’t think I can express it all in just a light. The next time you visit..? I… _want_ to talk to you.” The world came to silence around her. She was the only one there. The spotlight glared down at her, flickering like a candle’s flame, yet bright as ever. She could feel her heart pounding out of her chest. “And… if anyone intercepts this..?” She swallowed again.

“I’m sorry.”

     As soon as she opened her eyes the weight was gone, and so was the lighter, leaving behind no trace it had ever existed. The mirror image stared back at her, appearing to smile at her with no sense of judgment. There was something behind that reflection; something that both chilled and comforted her at the same time. Arabella closed her eyes and fell, tears falling into her smile. She was so scared. So terrified that this one action of doubt could ruin her, and yet..? She felt free for the first time since she’d come here. For the first time in months, maybe even years. She still believed. She still needed a sense of order. She still wanted a place of peace. Nothing would shake her from that. But this? This was something she needed to do, even if nothing came of it. Just for her humanity's sake.

     Ara was so engrossed in thought that she barely noticed the creak of metal behind her and the shuffle of fabric rubbing against itself. She turned her head in time to see Kyle staring back at her, wide awake. The fear she thought she’d have to shoo away never came. All that did was a small smile as she wiped away her tears.

“Promise not to tell anyone?”

“Promise.”


End file.
